Who Am I?

As the season changes from parenting our children to connecting with our adult children – many empty nesters find themselves rediscovering identity, worth, value and purpose.

Motherhood is an extraordinary gift. It presents the greatest of challenges, and an immense opportunity for personal growth. As we transition from childhood dreams to becoming a wife, and then a mother, we can often feel unprepared for the journey.

None of us knew what we were doing, I certainly didn’t – but God was faithful in every season, and I see His faithfulness now. The beauty in those of us who can look back is that we can share our experiences and what we’ve learned along the way with others.

Motherhood is selflessness in many ways, and as our children grow up and move out, we must embrace the change of  “parenting” our kids, to being a parent with adult kids.

As a mother who’s recently had both children leave home – I can attest that you’re never fully ready for this moment. I remember when both our kids could be cradled in our arms, dependent on us for everything. And now, both have left home, spread their wings, and live independently from us.

While there are numerous resources and advice for new mothers, there is little guidance on how to navigate the process of letting go and rediscovering yourself once they are gone.

You will always play a role in their lives but it will look much different now. 

We lived in Florida when our daughter graduated high school. She felt God was calling her to go to Bethel Supernatural School of Ministry in Redding, California. I was so proud of her for choosing to follow what God had spoken to her, but my heart was so anxious. The thought of her being thousands of miles away weighed heavily on my heart. What if she needed me? What if something went wrong?

Fear consumed me.

I wrestled with it for months, and I finally broke before the Lord. In a moment of vulnerability, I heard His gentle voice reassure me. He reminded me that she was His daughter first, and He would keep her safe under the shadow of His wings. He said “you can either choose to trust me or keep worrying”, and I knew I had to completely release her to His care. 

It made me realize that my identity wasn’t in being a mother – my true identity was being His daughter. From that point on the fear shifted, and I chose to trust in His words.

Every mom at some point makes motherhood part of all of their identity.  It takes all our energy, our time, and our focus. But what happens when that changes? When they start to take flight – and you can see them wanting to leave the nest?

Suddenly everything we’ve known as “mom” is no longer, they don’t need us anymore – or at least not like they did, and quickly the enemy feeds us a lie – that we’re not needed at all.

You may just be starting to face this reality, perhaps it’s in the near future and you have started thinking about it. Maybe your kids just left, or it’s been a while and now your relationship with your spouse is struggling because it’s completely consuming you.

For some you’re still grieving the loss and you feel like life is done. You can’t see the value in who you are, or what you do. I want to tell you the story isn’t close to being over, the next chapter is just about to start, and it’s SO beautiful.

Oh my darling friend, there are many more good things in store for you. God has so much more for you to experience, and even more for you to do. 

I want to talk to YOU – not as “Joey’s mom”, not as the cook, the chauffeur, the wife, the busy working professional, but as You – the powerful and passionate woman that God has created you to be, fashioned and formed in His image. 

As a mom who has recently been in the “What now” season of life now for the last couple of years I want to share 3 things with you that have encouraged me.

Take a moment to feel the emotion.

There will be days where you feel happy about having some freedom back, and then suddenly you will find yourself waiting for them to come down for dinner or sling their homework on the island. If you have kids in college, you probably wonder if they’ll be home this weekend to do laundry – or ask for some more money.

The grief comes rolling in like an unexpected storm.  

Take time to allow yourself to feel that moment, whatever it is, and embrace it. Invite the Holy Spirit into your process because He is our greatest source of comfort. With each moment that comes, pause and remember the sweet memories you have created with your kids, but then begin to turn your heart and thoughts to all the new memories you will get to make with them as adults.

Rediscover Yourself

It is a beautiful new season of self discovery.  Not only for you as a woman, but also for you and your spouse together.

Ask yourself questions like:

• What hobbies have I always wanted to do?
• What has been on the back burner in my heart?
• What was I once passionate about, and now have time to pursue?
• How do I reconnect with friends?  

I began to sit down and put pen to paper – brainstorming about dreams that had been dormant in the back of my heart for years while I gave large amounts of bandwidth to raising our children.

I started having fun cooking new recipes that included more sophisticated foods that my kids would never eat. My daughter didn’t love Mexican food, so my husband and I started enjoying lunch dates at our favorite Mexican spots.

 

Sit down with your husband and talk about how you can explore new ways to grow deeper in your love for each other. Go on fun dates together, spice it up in the bedroom and – laugh together as much as you can. We tried new things like Axe throwing, went to concerts, went to cooking classes and had fun discovering what each of us liked again.  

If, for some of you – your marriage took second seat to the kids, and now you feel like the relationship between you and your hubby is dwindling away, or maybe even gone – I would encourage you to seek Godly counseling. There is no shame in asking for help. It’s never too late!

Find joy in everyday living.  

Learn to embrace joy in little things, everyday. Dance in the kitchen while you cook. Go sit somewhere with a book and enjoy some reading time alone. Go sit in a coffee shop and people watch. Start an exercise routine or meet a friend and go for a walk. Enjoy sleeping in or do the thing you couldn’t while the kids lived at home. 

Even though your home may be emptier than it was before, your heart is not. Take a moment and thank the lord for all he has done in your family – and let it serve as a reminder of His faithfulness in what is still to come.